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TheChaosBlue

TCB Blog Entry #6 - Issues

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Quite the read, so if you're bothered to read it all then go ahead.

I don't know how to begin this; still having a mix of emotions going through me.

It began with my father calling me and say that either Thursday night/Friday morning me and my brother have to pack up our stuff and get ready to go into a shelter. Right there and then, I felt myself sinking. We have moved between apartment to shelter, and for nearly the past decade what I felt about all of that built up. Now of course at the time I really couldn't say or do anything; I was just a child.

Anyway, I asked why; he said because the husband to the woman me and my siblings are living with (we moved in with her and her husband and their kids; after losing our apartment yet again we really had nowhere to go and I was away at college when it happened) was 'fed-up with the attitude we had. I start to get annoyed and mad that the husband didn't speak to me in particular about it, since I felt I never conveyed any attitude in particular. My father then say that my mother has been away in another state for days, weeks, maybe even a month with someone else and questioned does she really care about me and my brother (their two kids) and my two little sisters.

I thought about that; as my mother yes she does tend for us and everything, but with these events happening for the past year, leaving her own kids with someone else while she's with someone else and I really don't think she realizes what damage she's doing.

Anyway, I really couldn't hold it in anymore so I called her. I asked her what's going on, she sounded confused. I told her what was going on with us and the issues that's surround us being her and she started getting defensive. My frustrations were at a fever pitch; I yelled at her, but it was me must being so fed up with her that I really couldn't speak at a normal tone. At this point, all she says is "THEN GO LIVE WITH YOUR FATHER" and "I TOOK CARE OF YOU FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS"....I was done. First of all, it wasn't the parenting I was mad about, it was about us moving from place to place, living in shelters, worrying about if she really gives a crap about us except for my little 8 year old sister. If that was the way she's going to react to her one of her own sons being fed up with the crap he was going through for the past 8 years or so, then what was the point? I then called the husband's wife (our caretaker pretty much) about it, she too agreed with me about out mother seemingly not caring about us anymore. I just felt like giving up. All these things are getting to me emotionally, and it's so much I can take before I fear myself breaking down.

Now we may very well be moving into a shelter with out father this weekend...I really can't deal with going through all that again and all this drama really isn't helping me. But I have nowhere to live and no friends to move in with here. I really don't think my mother cares about us if what she's doing right now is hurting us more than it's hurting her. She even said to take out the things she brought for me out of my suitcase and carrying bags because she's that 'offended' her son talked to her that way. I'm not, but that shows you how much I really question what she thinks about us. I'm afraid of what's going to happen this weekend. Few months ago I was in a state of depression; now it's creeping back and I don't think it's going away that easy. That's not to say my father also has his share of the blame...but I don't know...different people has different opinions on the matter...I'm just far too conflicted to think straight, I'm just too hurt emotionally by the crap that has happened over the year and this has happened has hurt the camel's back. But I'm only 19 years old; what can I do? I am an adult I know that, but honestly what can I do at this point?

I always thought us living here was nothing but a burden for everyone involved. Our caretaker is stressed out too. I really feel sorry for her despite me being away at college for most of the past year. I'm too negative about my future as is in the short term...

Look, I really wish I can perfectly get my emotions into words here, but I don't think I've done a good job.
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