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TheChaosBlue

TCB Blog Entry #5 - Not Sure What to Put Here..

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This is something I feel nearly everyday, just with varying levels depending on mood.

Maybe the problem with myself is that I think ahead too much for my own good and I feel negative because of it. I keep saying 'can't' because it has been ingrained in my memory for so long with me trying to be more open/social I build up negativity about myself. And I'm afraid to 'push myself' because I'm too enclosed in my own bubble so to speak I'm going to feel uncomfortable before and afterwards. I'm just scared of how others would perceive me if I try to push myself into a situation with at least thinking a bit ahead.

Like right now I'm thinking about them; such a curse to be a thinker.

I've been going to the guidance counselor and a psychologist about it. I feel like I'm kinda worthless if I take in all this information and can't do anything with it because of my insecurities. Maybe it has something to do with where I grew up in and how it was hard to find kids that shared similar interests. Maybe it was because of how aware I was of the environment I've lived and preferred to stay indoors going into middle school...I don't know. Becoming aware of the social circles I began to feel outcasted.

I just feel so cynical about myself because I can't be more social/outgoing without worrying about public perception. Even when I do have a good day and I'm in a good mood I still think about my negatives to some level. It intensifies when I'm in a bad/below-average mood. Due of who I am I'm reluctant to try new things, due to my shyness and what not. However, when I try to push myself and try those new things, I get nervous. for instance; on Friday when we had to form groups for our English class project. I went up to the people but I didn't say anything because I was nervous and didn't know what to say. This happens nearly every time, or I don't make myself do it.

I joined a club, and as of now I'm still not being sociable as well as I thought.

I just think of myself negatively all the time, and I can't break out of that, I can't. I immediately think of my insecurities when I try and I withdraw. So far here at college that part has been running rampant through my head.

Right now I'm thinking negatively of myself, and I hate that I think so much of myself that way but I just can't break it.

I know that making friends on the Internet is totally different from real life since you don't have to directly meet with them, but it's here where I can meet with people who have similar interests or knows where I'm getting at. I can't have that in my immediate environment because I grew up around ghetto neighborhoods where crime and drugs are highlighted.

I'm just different, and I'm think of that notion in a negative way that isn't helping.

I'm conflicted with myself.
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  1. Killer French Bread's Avatar
    I grew up around ghetto neighbourhoods and drugs too, don't worry about it. Makes you more interesting than the average college kid who has no idea about these parts of the world and just sees them on the tv.
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